Isn’t it strange how much formal education we receive and almost none of it relates to how we form, operate within, or disengage from relationships? Or how about career decisions? The average human will spend 30% of their lives working, but outside of exposure to a few different subjects, the current educational system gives very little attention to finding a career that matches your personality and setting you up to succeed within it. I would like to use this blog to offer my 15+ years of experience in mental health to assist in answering difficult questions related to these critical components of our lives. Go ahead and ask! Nothing is off-limits. I will do my best to answer honestly and expeditiously.
The Mollified Mind: Love, Relationships, & Career Advice
2 thoughts on “The Mollified Mind: Love, Relationships, & Career Advice”
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Dr. Grimes,
A group of friends have come together to gain understanding of online dating and we are asking for your advice.
1.How do you respond when a man tells you that you’re not enough women for him?
2. How do you know when a man is serious about you when using an online dating site?
3. What is your recommended criteria for selecting an ideal mate/potential match, when using an online site?
4. How does one sift through the 3 lies and 1 truth when using an online dating site?
1. Walk the other way and don’t look back. Any grown man that would say this to a woman, in-person or online (doesn’t matter), clearly has a skewed view of gender roles and is likely insecure with his own identity as a man. However, if for some reason you choose to continue the conversation (for entertainment perhaps?) you need to ask him what his views are regarding what constitutes a “male” and “female”. There is the possibility of miscommunication and perhaps some form of healthy dialogue will come as a result.
2. This is somewhat of a loaded question, but I will try to answer it as succinctly as possible without going too far off in the weeds. You determine this the same way you do offline. Understand that even when in-person, people can be deceptive. It is even easier to do this online. Also, make sure you are defining “serious about you”. He is probably serious about sleeping with you. If you mean serious about pursuing a meaningful relationship, you need to ask him what his intentions are, and wait. His true colors will eventually show. I would recommend abstaining from sex until you are sure he’s legit. Nothing clouds good judgement like good sex. Does he make himself reasonably available to you? Does he want to spend time with you outside of his home or yours? Does he share details about his personal life with you? Don’t rush this process.
3. First, use a reputable site. You get what you pay for. If it’s free, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s no good, but it’s not filtering out any kind of riff-raff. Regarding a criteria, this would depend on what you are looking for. There are numerous sites that serve a number of purposes. Be sure that the site you are using is in line with the outcome you are trying to achieve. Make sure you are clear in your own head about what values are important to you (think negotiable vs. non-negotiable) and this is what you would be looking for in an online profile. Also, pay very close attention to the language a person is using and how congruent the speech is with their behavior. Heed the warnings (stop signs, red flags, etc.).
4. Good luck on this one. How many job interviews have you sat through and either completely fabricated a lie or really stretched the truth in order to land that position. Perhaps you interviewed someone for a job and they hit pay dirt with every answer, got hired, and within a month you’re trying to figure out a way to get rid of them for performance issues. Chris Rock, the wise sage that he is once said, “When you meet someone for the first time, you’re not meeting them, you’re meeting their representative.” Multiply this statement several times over and you get online dating. Remember, we now live in a world where people can easily show the best digital representation of themselves. They can allow you to see only what they what you to see. I will refer to my statement in (2): Nothing clouds good judgement, like good sex. I’m not telling you to take a chastity oath when dating online, but just understand the quicker you allow yourself to be swept off your feet, the harder you will probably land on your ass.
Thanks so much for asking your questions and browsing the site. Feel free to reach out anytime!